Well, here you are, my so-called creative side. This page is just poetry, if for some sick reason you want to see my prose too, check out "Masks" or "Impressionable Muses". Some of these poems have been published previously by me at yingyangcafe.com. Any feedback on my little literary endeavors would be greatly appreciated...whether by e-mail or guestbook.

The courage of the poet is to keep ajar the door that leads into madness.
-Christopher Morley

SLAVE

Smiling portrait
Buffed to perfection
Lacquered to shine
The girl everyone loves
No one looks at her eyes
The deadness there
Forced to perform like a circus bear
Chain around her neck
Shackles on her ankles
As she smiles out to the crowd
And they cheer

WINTER ASSAULT

Winter is like a venomous snake
You don't see it coming
Until it's too late
It bites at the bits
Of your uncovered flesh
'Till your breath burns like fire
On your snow covered lips
It creeps at you slowly
You don't hear a sound
Like the slither of serpents
Comes camouflaged down
As a snake stalking prey
It poises, and strikes
Bringing everything down

DARKNESS

Feeling like a washing machine
A portrait of misconception
Churning filthy clothes inside
Jumbled, jarred, out of place
Discouraged, disorganized, and
Drowning in my own waste
Outside
White, stainless, shining
A picture of perfect
Gleaming as gossamer
Putting up fronts to
Keep everyone pleased

LIGHT

Flames of candles consuming wicks endlessly
As lost souls feeding upon actuality
Flickering in and out of reality
Hard to focus on
Impossible to grasp
I wish to be that
Evanescent

OBSERVATIONS

Floating solitary and aloof
I am a snowflake
Not realizing 'till I land
How meaningless I am in regards to the whole
As a book I am filled with millions of words
Don't judge me by my cover
Of orange, as I am standing out
Raging against the norm
A beacon of originality
In an era of name brand status

BELIEVE

It's tinted with rose
Oh--the color of love
How wondrous for you
To have found me for your outlet
By the end of this please
I'll leave your soul as a corpse
Tear your hopes into shreds
And throw them in your
Disbelieving face
'Cause you've made me incapable of love
Or of hope, or sanity
And I'm going to give it all back
It's your turn.

UNDERFED

Do you expect each day to be different?
For me to come crawling back to you
Like a hurt and abused little mutt
So you can pour stinging salt in my wounds
And show me you were right?
As I writhe in your pain
You did bring this upon yourself
And now the consequences seem all too much for you
If you see me so well, know me so completely
How couldn't you surmise
My reaction to you?
Go ahead, write your poems
About how no one understands
Fill your notebook with blind contempt
Please just remember
When you're done
To clean up your mess
I'll do no more

TALE

Once upon a time
Or was it never

Let me think

Naive words
A floating soul
Too deep to drink
An ice cube in
A vast facade
Two listless hands
One dying gaze
Be careful girl
They'll die for you

Or maybe not

Something amiss
Perhaps a soul
Is melted now
Blighted by a kiss

SEE

That girl
The one in the corner
Buried in a book
With shy eyes?
Oh, yes
Perhaps you'd like to pretend
That she doesn't exist
As if she were some type of senile nutcase
Better safe than sorry you think
And skirt wide around her
Hoping she doesn't notice
That you're painstakingly trying
Not to notice her
And succeeding

I AM

Straying across the midline
Glancing in my backseat
Sure I heard the chuckle
Of a stagnant insult
Or a benign shadowed corpse
Back there sulking
Although as soon as I look
Whatever paranoial apparition
Dips behind the seat
And waits until I turn
To taunt again

WHO YOU ARE

Benign smile
My little shadow
Would it be enough for you
Satisfactory if
I told you I loved you as a person
But nothing more?
Could we come back to each other
I found out and I ran from myself
Maybe I'll be back later
This acceptance makes me nervous
Your love makes me insane
Because I don't think it's plausible
To pretend right now
That I'm someone that I'm not
But I'll be here
When you need me
Because you are special to me
Not because of who you are
But because of who I am
Which is sad

BLEED

Reading back
My anguished poetry
Does it make sense to anyone?
It certainly doesn't make sense to me
What was all that middle-school English class shit
About constructing sentences and outlining
Brainstorming ideas until your brain
Melted into some inconsequential mush
But at least your work will make sense
On some higher plane
Does anyone just pick up the pen and write anymore?
Or is that a forgotten art?
Not knowing yourself is frightening
Is not knowing what spurned your passion worse?

STRANGE

Of all the meager trivialities
All who have made me
Unwanted
And Untouchable
It had to be you
Sneaking up in my blind spot
Between my sheets at
Three a.m.
Entertaining memories
We had before we met
Centuries between us
Pass as electrical warmth
Between two souls
Faster than the meshing of flesh
Why must I question this
Much easier to play the game
Of friendship with you

BETWEEN THE LINES

Sometimes it gets hard to distinguish
After I've been up all night paging through novels
Like some hungry ameoba
Absorbing words by osmosis
The line between reality and prose
Slowly fades
And it scares me to think
That everything I've ever done
Is just some replay of a book
And that there is nothing real

TRIO

A misguided girl
Shuffles down the hallway
With her books clutched close to her chest
And her eyes never leaving the floor
What insanity has grabbed this place
That makes three boys notice this girl
And call her name when they see her
To make her look up
And engage in conversation

WEIRD

They say everyone knows
But really, how could they?
I've certainly never voluntarily given them
Any hints
Although I don't know what you brag about in crowded huddles
Packed with your fellow males in the locker room
I'm sure it would never be about me
Because no one would believe you
That anyone would be so desperate
As to do the things you speak of
With me

MOVIE SCENE

I'm not the type of girl you send flowers to
"Just Because"
Or call up in the middle of the day
Just to hear my voice
I'm not someone you'd think about for hours
--Just wondering if I was thinking of you too
Not the type that anyone would burn for
Or wish just once that they could touch
I know how frivolous all those hopes are
In a world where girls like me don't really matter

COUCH

Whenever we're alone
You content yourself with
Pawing at my breasts
Like some prepubescent maniac
Never bothering to look up
And see the utter disgust
That's placid in my eyes

WANTING

Today I told you that it was over
And pretended not to notice
The apathetic, mocking smile that crossed your face
Because I had seen that smile once before
after the first time I gave myself completely to you
And to see it again
Reaffirmed my belief
That this "relationship"
Hadn't been in the first place

FRIEND

You have been there for me always
And I'm afraid I don't reciprocate enough
But somehow the day would seem empty
Without you in it
And we have gone through so much together
Aged and wizened and tried to understand
That it's a wonder we have even survived
And for that I call you my friend

END

I once believed
That what we shared between the sheets
Would be enough to stop your eyes from wandering
Would be enough to make you respect me

I should have remembered
That it was me
And that your eyes were wandering from the get-go
I forgot I don't deserve respect

Now
alone
With the fluorescence gleaming rainbows
In my leaking life force
Fading through my gaping wounds
You enter the room
Sardonically smile
And push the knives a little farther in
While my shrinking soul
Licks the puddled blood
From around my feet

BITCH

Feeling only hatred toward you now
It's a shame I trusted you once
Now I see your true colors
As you waltz through the hallways
Surrounded by your worshiping, brainless minions
I've realized that's the only type of people you adhere to
Those who will accept your little delusion
That you are some sort of goddess
Meant to be worshiped
I hate you for always seeing the worst in people
Before even giving them a chance
And how you push your shallow beliefs on others
Make them feel worthless
I will not be a part of your little game anymore
You will not use me as some stepping-stone
Only calling on me when you wish to feel better about yourself
To compare your wealth to my waste
I no longer care to listen
To your self-righteous rantings
As you refuse to admit your own short-comings
And abase others because they are not like you
I hope you enjoy living in your little deluded black-and-white world
I'll help you inhabit it no longer

HOWEVER

Early morning warmth
Our two bodies under the covers
Closer than eternity
"The snow was beautiful last night
Falling past the full moon..."
You are silenced for a moment
As I kiss your warm lips
That make even the blanket's warmth
Seem insubstantial

© 2001

A GIRL

She grew up in a small town
In an even smaller home
Although now
When she looks back on it
Really she can't remember
Anything at all
And she grew up to be homely
And unloved
Although her mother would tell her otherwise
Because the kids at school would laugh
Behind their quiet graceful hands
And she could feel them staring
And snickering judging always
As if at some funny joke
That she embodied and made whole
With each new awkward movement
And each new unuttered word
They silently scrutinized her
And she listened to the silence
To know she'd never be accepted
Into their cruel murderous circle
And perhaps she likes it that way
Each night all alone
With her book and a pool of light
Curled up under the covers
Which perhaps she could wish that the pages
That they would take her away
To a place she belonged
A nonexistant plain

SHALLOW END

Once upon a time
Only true in fairy tales
Fed with your lies
Your emptyness and
Hollow wails
I am the lifeguard
For your kiddie pool
Watch yourself, girl
You could crack your skull
Diving into that shallow lull
You call a life
Reading your stories
Opening your soul to me
The only good you are
A transparent being
I look straight through you
Cry at how far you'll go
To be mine
Take your pill now child
Go to sleep so you can live a reality
Eat out your own soul from the inside
Until you feel satisfied
Sometimes I want to say
I love you just the way you are
Even though you wouldn't know
What the hell I meant

UNTITLED

Stop
Making me giddy
Feel pretty
'Cause I'm not
Kamikaze pilot of my own mind
Living in a sheltered little
Plastic box
Gathering dust on my own shelves
Self-centered outlook
Perhaps and maybes
Fly around me
Silently I squash them
With my sliced and bleeding
Palm and think
Perhaps is for the rejects
And maybe is for delusionals
Not me
Never me
I have prepackaged conceptions
That rattle in me
As ruined self-image
Tears trickle down
Like hot rain scalding
Too bad I'm too stupid
To step away from the burning
It's better than believing
Though
I suppose

BIRTH

A baby's corpse
A frozen snowflake
Lithe and miniscule and all to white for reality
They won't even let me touch it
Or cry over it
Hoping my hot tears will
Awaken my child somehow like a
Forgotten fairytale

SHINE

Through all the shining
Lovely maidens
Fawning and
Kissing your feet
You walk
In the darkness
To my listless
Dying esteem
And hold my cracked and damaged
Soul
When I cry

MORNING

Each day I awake
Sleepless
Wondering
If you awake also
Or if this reality
I live in
Is fake

LATE NIGHT

Sitting home
All alone
What a social butterfly am I
Darkness sometimes
Is a first resort
To sanity

HIDDEN

Returning home
To fall into bed
Never noticing anymore
How everything's been rifled through
Put back almost in its right place
A few centimeters off the mark
Perhaps because I don't say anything
He thinks I don't notice
How he sneaks through my room
If maybe he'd ask
Once in awhile what I'm doing
He wouldn't have to hide his fear
Behind his sifting pan

WALK

Battling incosequential demons
Contradictions imposed
My world remains unchanged
Not believing I could alter
Someone else's whole outlook
Adjust their environment
While mine remains clouded and stale

I've had people do that to me before
Scatter my birds
Never reciprocated
So now unbelievable
That I should have that force
It seems wrong

Please
Can I retreat into my burrow now?
Where my world will remain
Something I can handle

And I can remove my
Well-worn world-weary
Masks to reveal an entity
Even I am not familiar with

BELIEVING IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART

So many times
I've glanced into your eyes
And foolishly saw them reflecting me
Listened to your laugher
And mistakingly heard it laughing at me
Not at my foolishness
Heard your silence
Your musings
It was scary to be so devoted to somebody
Who would have thought
All your deepness would turn out to be so shallow?
You turned into a shell--just like everybody else
And now I write poetry about you
Hoping to win you back
Even though I never had you in the first place

DARK LOVE

You leave me uncertain
With your jokes and reassurances
I watch hope pass by my window
An endless array of "what ifs?" and "why nots?"
Confronting subconscious
If only I could kiss
Your blind eyes
To make you see
The love I hold for you

REVISITED

Disgusting
The way you make me smile
When there's no occasion to
When you're not around
The song you like comes on the radio
That stupid, sappy smile
I wish I could rip it off my face
I'm not supposed to smile like that
Especially over you

LOVE

A silly, idolic
Little four letter word
Makes me stop my train of thought
So difficult to swallow down
How could I have deflected
and ignored all the other
Four-lettered labels I've been stamped with
Yet when someone says this simple,
Monosyllabic word in context with me
It's so impossible to accept?

FEAR

I tend to distance myself
From my writing
Outpourings of the soul
Can be very personal
And I'm never one who likes
Voyeuristics
Poking through my writing
To try to find what I was really feeling
The inner meaning behind my babbling
Which is why most of the time
I'm liable to show you
Silly stories or worthless poetry
So that you can't dig through
The dirt I hide inside myself

CHEAT

You can distance yourself from me now
Now that you've degraded my spirit
Once again
It's a wonder I didn't see this coming
The new girl hanging on your arm
Must make it easier for you
To forget me

WASHING

The dishes pile high around her
Encircling her in a castle of cracked china plates
And scuffed silverware
She pickes a fork up from the steaming
Searing water
And the skin on the back of her hand cracks
From all the washing
Leaking blood into the sink
Where it mingles with the soap
To form iridescent pink bubbles
And she wonders why her tears
Never make beautiful bubbles like that

HOME

When you came crashing into the kitchen
Unannounced and staggering
My arms were elbow-deep in your dirty dishes
While the iron slowly heated
Next to your pile of laundered shirts

You gave me a kiss reeking of alcohol
And your daughter
Who was asleep before your noise woke her
Comes running into the room

She calls you by your first name
Still too young and naive to realize
What you really are to her

PERFECT

I've been conditioned for so many years
To believe that I'm not really good enough
So please don't be angry when I keep my triumphs inside
And don't share them with you
Because I've been led to believe that
Perfect is never adequate

So many times I've been told
That I was nothing
Please don't be angry when I laugh
And hastily change the subject
When you tell me that I'm not

And through all the years
I've seen what a sham most people consider
Inner beauty to be
Please be happy
When I choose you
Because that's all that I'm looking for

UNDERSTANDING

Why did I push you away?
Shy away when you told me?
I loved you so much
And now I've gone and killed it again
Why must it be this way?
Every love I have squandered
Some stupid dream
Trampled on and shoved back in my face
By my own insecure nature
Choking
Each time I balk
Believe that I love you
But please don't tell me you feel the same way

WHY

Ever night
After work
Driving by that porch
Where I once saw you standing
Even though I know you won't be there this time
I still look over

TO LIVE

You took my eager ramblings
And turned them into flowing prose
Before my eyes
Took my garbled ideals
Made them wonderful examples of thought and understanding
My muddled scribblings--devoid of color and soul
You injected with light and made them priceless
Each day I live
Is brightened just by having you in it